Thursday, January 3, 2019

Rachel


It is difficult to know within the deepest pits of your body that you’re supposed to be a mother, but you cannot conceive. It’s living with a whirring dissonance whose volume depends on the circumstances of any given day. We by and large don’t consider that trans women may want children. We are told that we should be happy having the physical and many of the same biological characteristics of cisgender women, but we never ask trans women questions about pregnancy. In my case, being an intersex trans woman with an underdeveloped, non-functional uterus and incompatible genitalia, I feel particularly close to something just out of reach. The need to be a mother and my inability to act on that overwhelming, heavy, internal desire, with my own body is my own cross to bear. I’ll never get pregnant. I’ll probably never have a child of my own.

But I have this image of myself as a mom that I carry around with me on harder days. I have a daughter. Her name’s Rachel Erin Maclay. I can’t give her life, but I can give her space in my own mind. I can carry her with me, and even if I can’t manifest this idea of her into flesh she still resides within my own body. I don’t think that’s nothing. She is a fragment, an idea, a possibility, and through all of this I can see her. She exists here, in my heart and soul, and if that’s where she always is, then I will be thankful that she has given me that much. As her mom I know I will have done all that I can, having rammed up against the edges of the limitations of my own body, and still kept the idea of her alive.

This little girl inside me pulls a white rose.

Saturday, December 29, 2018

Top 50 of 2018

2018 was seemingly endless, and characterized by personal and global grief. It would be foolish to assert that this did not in some way effect the movies I sought out last year. When my cat passed away very suddenly it sent me into a tailspin where I was incapable of doing just about anything for the better part of six months. This meant that I spent most of my time rewatching films I knew I already loved or were perfect for whatever mood I was in at the time. I obsessively rewatched the work of David Lynch, David Cronenberg and Rob Zombie for this reason. Movies that are tough. If you were to look at my newer viewings there's a pattern and that would be the frequent appearances of films from the New Hollywood movement, highlighting the work of Jane Fonda specifically. Our film industry is not getting the job done in criticizing the total failure of the United States government to combat climate change or do anything of importance besides lining the pockets of wolves. That is not the case in the 1970s which has proven to give me something resembling solace in the fact that public figures like Jane Fonda were willing to say things like "this is inhuman" and pointing the finger directly at those in power. I think I'll be watching New Hollywood well into the current administration, because Iron Man is never going to say our President is corrupt. Alan Pakula will.

*everything is eligible except movies from 2017 and 2018*

1. Klute (Alan J. Pakula, 1971)
2. Jojo's Bizarre Adventure (David Production 2012-2018)
3. Breakaway (Bruce Conner and Toni Basil, 1966

4. Little Women (Gillian Armstrong, 1994)
5. Gunbuster (Hideaki Anno, 1988)
6. Taipei Story (Edward Yang, 1985)
7. Two for the Road (Stanley Donen, 1967)
8. They Shoot Horses, Don't They? (Sidney Pollack, 1969)
9. Porky Pig's Feat. (Frank Tashlin, 1943)
10. Fantasmagorie (Emile Cohl, 1908)
11. Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? (Frank Tashlin, 1957)
12. Kate Bush: Live at the Hammersmith Odeon (Keith MacMillan, 1979)
13. The Girl Can't Help It (Frank Tashlin, 1956)
14. Starstruck (Gillian Armstrong, 1982)
15. What Price Hollywood? (George Cukor, 1932)
16. Cash on Demand (Quentin Lawrence, 1962)
17. Coming Home (Hal Ashby, 1978)
18. All the President's Men (Alan J. Pakula, 1976)
19. Fight Zatoichi, Fight! (Kenji Misumi, 1964)
20. Drunken Angel (Akira Kurosawa, 1948)
21. A Star is Born (George Cukor, 1954)
22. True Stories (David Byrne, 1986)
23. Gaea Girls (Kim Longinotto, 2000)
24. "Amelia"- Trilogy of Terror (Dan Curtis, 1975)
25. Nightmare (Freddie Francis, 1964)
26. Island of Lost Souls (Erle C. Kenton, 1932)
27. Artists and Models (Frank Tashlin, 1955)
28. Swing, You Sinners! (Dave Fleischer, 1930)
29. What's Up Doc? (Peter Bogdanovich, 1972)
30. Avalon (Mamoru Oshii, 2001)

31. Phantasm IV: Oblivion (Don Coscarelli, 1998)
32. The People vs. Larry Flynt (Milos Forman, 1997)
33. Maggie's Plan (Rebecca Miller, 2015)
34. Godzilla vs. Mothra: The Battle for Earth (Takao Okawara, 1992)
35. The Intern (Nancy Meyers, 2015)
36.Tout va Bien (Jean-Luc Godard, 1972)
37. The Line, The Cross and The Curve (Kate Bush, 1993)
38. Kill the Day (Lynne Ramsay, 1996)
39. Goke, Body Snatcher from Hell (Hajime Sato, 1968)
40. Easy Rider (Dennis Hopper, 1969)
41. I Could Never Be Your Woman (Amy Heckerling, 2007)

42. A Hard Day's Night (Richard Lester, 1964)

43. The Mummy (Terrence Fisher, 1959)

44. Mermaids (Richard Benjamin, 1990)
45. Medium Cool (Haskell Wexler, 1969)
46. Variety (Bette Gordon, 1983)
47. "The Watcher"- Thriller (John Brahm, 1960)

48. The Hands of the Ripper (Peter Sasdy, 1971)

49. By Hook or By Crook (Silas Howard, 2001)

50. The Linguine Incident (Richard Shepard, 1991)